Studies in Underage Vampirism #2

As previously stated, the game we normally run in schools is 4e D&D (orders from above), but one day only half the group of Crimson School (real name!) showed up, so I decided to challenge them with some Vampire. They loved it. So, being the considerate and magnanimous storyteller that I am, I decided to indulge them with another Vampire session. Just like last week, I told the kids that there are no limitations in this game, everything they want to do, I allow. However, consequences would be more dire than in your average game of D&D.

This is how it went:

After the PCs passed the first test, they were told to wait until Mr. Madjerovsky and Ms. Isabel contacted them again. Being immortal and quite ancient, it took the pair more than a year to come up with a test. A year is nothing for an elder, but an eternity for a child. I asked each kid what his vampire did in this period. I regret to say, that with the exception of two kids who said they steal blood from the blood bank and play games on their iPhones, the rest of the kids were quite beastly about it. They abused their disciplines to the max, using Dominate and Presence to lure people into abandoned houses and bleed them dry. One kid, who was lucky enough to get Koldunism (a form of elemental magic) said he sets houses and cars on fire for fun. I blame GTA.

Sorry, we forgot to clean the "living" room...
Art by Kare3078

Amusingly, since I told kids the Community gave them a generous pension until their next test, some kids went into great detail describing what gadgets and appliances they purchase. This included such gross expressions of gross consumerism as:

“Let’s buy a Mercedes!”

“What are you, poor?! Let’s buy a Ferrari!”

“But none of you can drive...”

“Yeah, but we can dominate adults, no?”

“Ferrari! I wanted a Lamborghini!”

And so it went... I suspect that if I didn’t interrupt them, they would have enjoyed spending the whole session making a multi-million purchase list. Ah, youth!

In any case, because this behavior (the careless killing, not the shopping) was deemed unacceptable by the powers that be, the second test was a harsh one. One day, Mr. Madjerovsky came to visit and found something that looked like a scene from a horror movie, with a bunch of feral creatures barely recognizable as the cute kids they were last year feeding on a stunned hot dog vendor right in the middle of their living room.

“You fools!” the old man shouted, shattering windows and causing doors and windows to shut and bolt. “I tell you to keep a low profile and you start treating unlife like it’s a video game?! You are not predators, you are idiots! So here is a test for you. One of you is weak and stupid, more beast than person, cull him! Decide which one of you is the most useless and kill him, then come to me. Should all seven of you leave the house, you will all be destroyed!”

Last time Madjerovsky saw the sun, this was the latest fashion...

Amazingly, what I imagined would lead to difficult social dilemmas and bitter arguments, was solved in second.

“Oo! Oo! Do me! I volunteer!” One boy shouted enthusiastically.

“No, I want to do this!” Another kid selflessly offered himself.

“What? Why are you so eager to die?” I asked, quite dumbfounded.

“Well, this is for the good of the group, right? And you said players shouldn’t be selfish.”

Grrr... I knew I should have made this a Sabbat game. All these years of D&D had produced a right proper pack mentality. Oh well.

Next came the actual killing, which turned out to be a bit of a challenge, since none of the players had any idea how to kill a vampire. Exchanges like, “Do we have a silver knife?” “No you idiot, this is for werewolves!” were quite common. One boy kept feebly suggesting they should just wait for the sunrise, but the rest of the group ignored him as they indulged themselves with increasingly horrid things they could do to the doomed vampire without killing it. The player of the doomed vampire, meanwhile, was overjoyed from being the center of attention.

Eventually, one kid remembered vampires should be decapitated and the whole gang cheerfully went to Mr. Madjerovsky, who waited outside in a black Lincoln (“what?! Why not Rolls Royce?!”) and announced they were ready for their next test.

“You truly are beasts!” the old man exclaimed, perhaps proudly and perhaps disappointedly, and then added, “but perhaps it would aid you in your next test...”

The group hopped into the car and drove to a spot in the desert where a circle of crates and a number of strangers waited for them. The strangers were all adults or teenagers, ranging from a nerdy looking accountant to a hardcore punk couple. The crates were marked, “DO OPEN.”

What would YOU place inside?

“Gentlemen, this is quite simple,” the old vampire said after everyone assumed positions between the crates. “These crates contain gifts. Anything you pick up, you can keep. However, the winner is not the one who ends up with the most toys. The winner is the one who rescues the damsel in distress over there.”

At this point the group heard Isabel say, “Help, help” ineffectually as she sat on a bench about a mile away and listened to mp3 on her mobile.

“Any questions?”

“Yes. Can we kill the other guys?”

“Of course, and so can they.”

“Are some of the crates trapped?”

“Is a trap not also a gift? Do you question my generosity?”

“I suppose it is... Com’on let’s start!”

At this point, we sadly had to end the session.

So, the last test is next week. Any ideas for cool things to put in the crates? Any fun “surprises” to put on the way to the rather undistressed damsel? Any ideas for a grand finale for this three session vampire adventure?

The Hunters vs. The Phantom Lover

What a glorious Hunter session! The setting is a misty English mansion owned by what Tywin Lannister would have been if he lived today and had business interests from Morocco to Japan. His niece, a grieving war widow, finds solace in the hands of a mysterious spirit of the dark. Seeking to rescue her from the clutches of the entity, our heroes enter a battle of wits with the influenced girl and the alien being. But are they fighting because they want to save the girl, or because they are addicted to fighting anything supernatural?

Find out in the next installments of Uri's game!

Spot what's wrong with this picture :)

Celebrating the Death of Man

The most popular artifact among my school groups this year is something I improvised on the spot. One group botched a teleport roll and ended up in the city of Mavet Rav. There, they met a vampire witch named Valery who said she will help them get back home if they supplied her with the components needed to perform this ritual. It was funny to watch the confusion as the kids tried to join three oxymoronic facts – the woman is a witch with a cauldron and a pointy hat BUT she’s young and handsome BUT she’s an undead monster with ulterior motives.

Anyhow, the three components were: A book titled Celebration of the Death of Man, a goo called The Vilest of Worms, and someone who really wants to see the sun again.

Now the book turned out to be a hefty tome of somber black leather and stained parchment sheets that tell you about all the deaths that occurred nearby from the most recent to the earliest. The descriptions are usually ironic and unsympathetic, for example:

The Paladin Tourjiman was a great man who wished to rid the world of sin. His last thought was, “I wish I experienced a little bit of sin...”

Little Annie was lost in the wilderness and wondered if there was anything to eat there. There was – her.

The brave rogue’s last thought was, “it’s a shame I can’t fly.”

And so forth.

Three things that never meet do here unite...
Ary by Trixis

It’s been a good five sessions since they found the blasted tome, and the kids still walk with the book open all time and demand to hear what the book says. They call it the "Stand Up Book." They even laugh heartily at quotes like:

Young Elfari’s father worked day and night to find a cure to the plague. He found it one day after his son died.

Marfima was spared the outrage of divorce by her husband, who soon joined her on the other side because her ghost was quite unbearable...

Rorisian just wanted a sip of refreshing juice. Such a shame his mom confused the labels... 

So far they only used it for kicks. No one considered using it to solve crimes...
Also, in case you wonder - yes, the title of the book was inspired by Agalloch.

Studies in Underage Vampirism

Today I decided to carry out a role playing experiment I considered since last year. Some people felt it was too mature for young players, so it took me quite some time to think of a way to do it delicately enough so it wouldn’t cross the border of good taste on the one hand and wouldn’t become a tasteless, pink fantasy on the other. Hopefully, this time I struck a good balance.

Abstract
I was very curious to see how a group of children would react if, one morning, they woke up and discovered they were Embraced into vampirism. Obviously, this is a much darker story than your typical “kill the orc, save the pie” sort of game. Thus, I chose my most experienced and mature group for this experiment. They study in a school called Crimson School, so a short exploration the vampiric state felt appropriate.

System
To save time on character generation, I decided to use a simplified Mind’s Eye Theater system. I asked each kid to prioritize three traits – Physical, Mental and Social and to tell me three things he is good at (his abilities). Amusingly, the abilities chosen most often were Bullying and Making Friends. One kid wrote Self Defense (only when there is no other choice). Lastly, I secretly chose two disciplines for each kid. I told them they have special powers, but didn’t say which powers, or where they came from.

Instead of rolling dice, we used rock-paper-scissors. In case of a tie, the more highly prioritized trait won. An appropriate ability allowed a retest.

Very progressive and yet utterly horrifying at the same time...
Art by Omri

Prologue
The game started with the kids waking up in a basement around a pile of ash with a stake, a set of keys, a wallet and a rabbit foot lying in it. The walls were riddled with bullets and the floor was covered with shells. Heavy breathing could be heard from outside. The kids had no recollection of the last 24 hours. They were not hurt, but experienced a terrible, almost bestial hunger.

After spending a couple of turns searching the room for any clues and treasure, and subsequently pocketing any object they could lift, the kids went upside to find a lavish living room with a 150’’ Plasma TV, stag heads above a cold fireplace, archaic weapons decorating the walls, home cinema, the latest Xbox and enough games to last a lifetime. This room was also riddled with bullet holes and smelled of blood and gunpowder. In the elegant, but empty kitchenette, they found the source of the gasping – a tough looking dude in SWAT uniform, bleeding severely from his chest.

The bedroom had an ash covered bed and a slain, heavily armed young man lying in the corner. The bathroom appeared to be out of commission for a very long time, being covered in dust and cobwebs. The attic was full of beautiful, but disturbing scenes of warzones and massacres, plus a large silver cage, presently unoccupied.

Surprisingly, the first action of the kids was to try to call an ambulance, which made me infinitely proud of them (usually kids like to play right proper Munchkin bastards). Sadly, their good intentions were wasted as the landline was cut and the man’s radiophone only produced unpleasant static noise. Even worse, the kids couldn’t shrug off the sensation that the man was incredibly tasty.

An Iphone with 13 unanswered calls and two new messages lay by the TV. Both messages were from a woman named Isabel Haralson. One read, “YO KYLE, YOU COMING TO THE PARTY TONIGHT?” and the second one read, “TAKE JANE AND LEAVE NOW!! THERE COMING TO KILL YOU!!!1”

"Good evening sweetcups, did you sleep well?"
Art by Sa-cool

The kid who found the Iphone read the messages, shrugged, and exclaimed “Yay! I have Iphone 5! I check what games were on it?”

"Stop wasting the batteries you idiot!" an older kid barked at him, "this Iphone might be our only way out!"

One of the kids just couldn’t control himself (not his fault, just a bad “roll”) and bit the injured man, sucking a small amount of blood and suddenly feeling vigorous and full. Another accidental bite from a different kid produced the same result. The third kid, the oldest of the group, bit the man on purpose, draining him to death, feeling the same explosion of vitality, but also being slightly changed in the process, his features becoming sharper, his reactions more instinctual.

Giving in to the Beast has its price.

A different kid said he peeps out of the window, which immediately resulted in painful burns from the dim evening sun. The vulnerability to sunlight and the thirst for blood did the trick: the kids knew what they were.

The Birth of a Pack
Suddenly the phone rang (I actually had my phone produce an old-fashioned ringing sound, which really startled the group). The caller was Isabel who immediately started shouting, “Who the hell are you?! Where is Kyle?! I will tear you apart!”

The kid, discouraged by her aggressive manner, answered “K... Kyle is dead. I am sorry. I think there were vampire slayers in the house. I think we are vampires too. I... I don’t know what to do.”

Other kids said a great deal of other stuff, like one of them being Kyle, one of them killing Kyle and one of them identifying as his usual D&D character Percy Potter...

“What is this nonsense, why are you making stuff up? Where! Is! Kyleeee!”

“I swear it’s true! Listen, I can turn on video chat, you can see for yourself.”

At this point, the kids gave the caller a nice view of the ruined room and got a glimpse of her as well – a slim woman with deathly pale skin, a huge black Mohawk, black lipstick, black eyeliners and elaborate piercing all over her face. On one forearm she had a reverse ankh tattoo, and on the other, “I didn’t ask to be born” in Gothic letters.

There was a long pause, after which the woman said, “Okay, don’t go anywhere. I’ll come as soon as I can.”

The kids used the time to loot the apartment to the fullest, proudly writing down every item they could think of. By the time they started collecting plates, toilet seats, and parts of the sink, I stopped taking notes...

"In the Empire of the Vampire, life begins at night..."
Art by Baby Mordred

Initiation Rites
The woman arrived after about half an hour, stepping out of the closet with an aging man dressed in the latest fashion...of the 18th century. The man did some quick spell and then consulted with the woman in a Slavic-sounding language (more because I can’t do any other accents then due to any plot reasons). The woman nodded gravely and addressed the kids, “Gentlemen, it seems that you are the victims of a grave injustice. You will never see the sun again. You will never grow old. You will never have Pizza... but perhaps there is hope for you yet. Perhaps, despite your young age, you could find a place in the Community.”

“Are you inviting us to the party?” The youngest kid asked hopefully.

“Shut up!” The other kids hissed at him.

“Are we really vampires?” Another kid asked.

“We don’t use this word.” The woman answered coldly, “We call ourselves, ‘the Community.’ Now, you should pass three tests to prove your worth to the Community. Should you fail at any of them – you will be destroyed.”

“What’s the first test?” one kid asked, “Do you want us to kill the vampire slayers?”

“No, nothing like this – we just want you to cross the road. Tadeusz and I will be waiting for you across the street in a black limousine. Good luck!” With that, Isabel and Tadeusz stepped back into the closet and disappeared.

“Really, is this our test? Just crossing the road? I do it every day!” The youngest kid said cheerfully and went outside.

Into the sun.

Within milliseconds, his skin started to burn and bubble and he ran inside, driven to near frenzy by pain and fear.

The second kid went more smartly about it. He covered himself with blankets from head to toe, and ran outside. However, seeing nothing, he kept stumbling, until he was hit by a car and exposed to the scorching sun. He only survived by climbing under a parked car. Amusingly, before scuttling to shelter, he still gave a nasty bite to a passerby who tried to help -- just out of spite.

More attempts followed, each failing miserably, nearly killing our brave young heroes. Suddenly, the kid hiding under a car had a flash of sheer brilliance.

“Wait a second!” He shouted, “They didn’t tell us when to cross the street. Why are we all running into the sun like idiots? Let’s just wait for sunset and then comfortably cross the street!”

Welcome to the family! The future looks... full of XP
Art by Alejandro Dini

Much applause and XP was had. The group spent a few more hours waiting for sunset, and then calmly crossed the street, where a black limo was indeed waiting for them. They were heartily embraced by Isabel who then ordered her beastly looking chauffeur to drive away.

“Where are we going?” The kids asked, “To the second test?”

“Oh no, you have much to learn before you can undertake it. It will take many months and will not be easy, but you have shown yourself to be quite bright, and resourceful too. You stand good chances of being accepted into the Community. For now – relax, I have such sights to show you...”

Conclusions
Kids, at least in this group, are much more mature and responsible than I gave them credit for. When faced with a realistic situation and characters they can identify with (human children finding themselves in a scary situation), they play in a very responsible and serious fashion, utterly different from the carefree, GTA-like nonsense they tend to degenerate D&D into.

The kids themselves said they enjoyed the game immensely, much more than their usual game. The group unanimously voted to play the other two tests, which had me at a loss since I planned this as a one time experience. Good thing there is a holiday just around the corner and tons of time to prepare.

In short, the experiment was a major success. If you enjoyed this post – all the more so!

Holy Gaming

I have a group in a religious school. Today, the school had held some function, and we were asked to relocate to a nearby synagogue. While less comfortable than a classroom, the prayer hall of the synagogue was certainly roomier and more atmospheric, with its stained glass windows and booming echoes.

I rose to the dais, placed my books on the stand and called the kids, one by one, to receive their blessed character sheets. As I called out their character names, my voice reverberated eerily in the large empty hall. Perhaps pacified with the heavy atmosphere, the group was utterly silent, a rare event indeed when kids are involved.

This is more or less how it looked...

After I finished distributing the sheets, I said, “let us recount the events of last session. And so it came to be that the PCs did evil in the eyes of the DM and he sent a great host of undead to smite them for, eh,” at this point I rolled the dice, “19 points of damage and lo! For the damage was great and even caused the wizard to bleed. And on that day the PCs knew that I am DM and I roll high. Amen. Now, consulting the sacred list of initiative, we see this is the turn of righteous elf seeker Nanoc, long may he live. Speak now in great reverence and let your words be backed by the rolling of the die as it was decreed in the Book of Laws.”

Hilarity ensued.

As always, if you enjoy my yarns either because I’m such a charming and droll fellow, or because I happen to occasionally find myself in the center of amusing events, feel free to contribute to my Levantine fantasy anthology. Everything helps!

A Letter From Paul (gamer, not saint)

It's been a while since I actually talked about gaming with children, this blog's original intention. Last month, I have received a letter from a reader named Paul. This letter was full of fascinating insights into gaming within the family (something I'd never done), a very useful general use Q&A and some surprisingly poignant and precise (as well as fun and flattering) comments on the scandal yours truly was involved in last year.

With Paul's permission, I'm now sharing this very interesting and useful essay with you :)

Oh, and Paul -- thanks! :)

Hi Uri,

Where were you when I needed you?  Oh well . . . better late than never.  Actually, you have already answered most of my questions.  I may sound like a sycophant stalker when I tell you that I have just finished reading all of your articles and your entire blog archive.  So why have I done so much research and then written this epic email?  Probably for the same reasons you have – because the kids deserve the effort.  Because it’s fun.  Please allow me to explain:

Three years ago I decided to introduce D&D to my kids and my wife.  I hadn’t played in twenty years so it was a daunting surprise when I began reading through the Player’s Handbook 4th Edition.  I wanted to ensure my kids didn’t get bored while I studied the rules, so I closed the book and just made-up the rules.  We needed a map or a grid and we had nothing of the kind, so I designated our lounge room rug (6’ by 4’) as the entire underground network of dungeons.  We needed miniatures or figurines so I asked each member of my family to go to their bedrooms and return with something that could represent their character.  We all laughed as we surveyed the collection which consisted of a clay brontosaurus, a smiling Buddha and some sort of Decepticon Transformer.  At one point, my youngest son’s character got trapped in a cage.  He (6 years old at the time) ran to the laundry and returned with a washing basket.  He placed it over his dinosaur and exclaimed, “He’s trapped!”

As I said, this was three years ago and just reminiscing is bringing back fond memories.  I was delighted that the television was turned off and my family was embracing the opportunity to be creative together, so I decided to make this a regular event.  I bought the core 4E books, studied what I felt was the necessary minimum, and printed some 1” square maps.  Then I journeyed to ‘The Shadowfell’ with my youngest son (Puck the Elven Fighter), my teenage son (Cralu the Human Rogue) and Tamara (Zoe the Halfling Ranger); all represented this time by coloured tokens borrowed from Chinese Checkers. 

We’ve come a long way since then.  We have a wet-erase mat, dungeon tiles, lots of miniatures and a DDI account.  The party are now Level 17 PC’s and I’ve led them through many of the ‘Wizards of the Coast’ published adventures, from H1: Keep on the Shadowfell to P1: King of the Trollhaunt Warrens and now P2: The Demon Queen’s Enclave. 

However, there were many ‘bumps’ along the way.  We got some of the rules wrong – confusion with opportunity attacks, bursts and blasts, stacked temporary hit points - and other rules that have since been cleared up in updates/errata.  But it was arguments at the table that brought our gaming to an end last year. I found myself constantly putting out fires that were fuelled by negativity, jealousy, selfishness, interruptions, usurping and exploitation.  (Wow!  It sounds like a Rupert Murdoch newspaper.)  It just wasn’t fun anymore.  Yep, I got burned too.

In fairness, I have been DM for a group consisting of a genius (my youngest son – now nine years), an actor who will probably accept an academy award before he turns twenty (my teenage son – now 18 years) and an Early Years Childcare worker who, although very responsible, is indeed sillier than Lewis Carroll and Dr Seuss combined (Tamara – my wife).  Although that may sound like the perfect mix for an adventure in Willy Wonka’s factory, it also perfectly polarizes personalities and penalises popular play - paralysing persona. My teenage son moved out of home so we put the game on ice and focused on schoolwork, homework, bookwork, housework and all the other boring elements in life that concatenate with ‘work’. 

Earlier this year, Tamara and I realised just how much we missed D&D.  We also realised that we had never played with other adults.  We wondered - considering we are self taught - if we were even playing the game correctly.  (In hindsight that thought is most existential.)  So we started looking for a game to join.  We were surprised and delighted at how easy that task proved to be.  Indeed, we were welcomed to a table and complimented on our role playing.  The DM said it was refreshing to invite players who knew the rules and I personally found it equally refreshing to be a PC/hero after two years as DM.

However, arguments were occurring at the table, not with Tam or I, but between the other players.  One player left the game permanently.  He was so disgusted that he decided to stop gaming all together.  That was a shame because he was instrumental in our initiation to the campaign and we really liked his playing style.  I won’t bore you with further negativity about that scenario; suffice to say that although we persisted with that campaign, the ‘fun’ had clearly left the building.  The grownups at the table were behaving like children.  Correction – children behave better.

Again I needed to re-evaluate my needs and desires in the world of RPG’s.  What is it that I really enjoy about D&D?  That’s easy – it’s the storytelling, the creativity, the challenge, the puzzles, the teamwork, the fantasy, the combat, the dice rolling, the spontaneity and the anticipation.  Mostly though, it’s the look on the faces of the players around the table when . . . well when anything happens.  When Dark Vision reveals a lurking dragon, or a Wizard teleports a stupid Ogre off a bridge, or the DM rewards a PC with a magic weapon, or the entire party completely missed the objective and got arrested by the village militia.  It’s the facial expressions and the sounds of ‘oooh’ and ‘aaahh’ that fulfil my senses; much like watching a movie thriller. 

I also realised that I missed playing with my youngest son.  Did I mention he’s a genius?  D&D has been excellent for him.  He knows every stat of every monster in the manual.  I’ve even asked him to DM a campaign known as “The Sceptre Tower of SpellGard”, and at only nine years old he did a remarkable job.  (I think he likes rats just as much as you do.)  His mental arithmetic is . . . intimidating to say the least.  Best of all, his smile and his laugh are infectious, contagious and frequent.

The solution is obvious.  My wife, my son and I need to host a game that caters to kids. We could invite parents and their kids to our house.  Perfect! 

Hang on! That will require some research and careful planning.  Although I have been DM for my own kids, and I know their personalities very well, there were many problems that caused arguments at our table.  It could be worse with strangers and their kids.  Therefore, many questions need to be answered before we jump in the deep end:

What is the minimum age that I should accept at the table?

Should I use a scripted/published adventure or write my own?

Character generation and levelling up could be very complicated. How do I simplify it?

How do I maintain balance (and interest) between role-play and combat?

Sandbox or railroad?

Should I handle rewards differently?

How do I police behaviour and discipline?

Do I omit religion?

How much gore and violence (if any) can or can’t be included?

Will there be tears and permanent emotional scars if a PC dies?

I assume girls will respond differently to boys.  So what can I expect and how do I cater? 

As I said, you have already answered most of my questions.  When I Googled “D&D for kids.”  I found your July post on the Wizards community forum and I was immediately attracted to the words, “author of the D&D Kids tutorial series.”

Then I found the famous article that apparently ‘broke the internet’ titled, “D&D Kids: Girls at the Table”.  You said in your (un)disclaimer, “my aim as I embarked on this monumental project was to help DMs avoid some of the pitfalls into which I had stumbled in the beginning of my career”.  Eureka! I have found the mother-load. You are speaking directly to me.  I have much to say abut this article but my spider senses tell me that you may be sick of talking about it, so I’ll say only this: Boys and Girls respond differently because they are different.  Knowledge is to be shared.  Those with experience teaching boys and girls have acquired knowledge regarding the differences and should pass this knowledge onto other teachers for their mutual benefit.  I thank you Uri Kurlianchik for passing this valuable knowledge onto me. 

Yes, I also read the comments from people such as Kynn (or Caoimhe), and I was saddened by the smear campaign.  I shall offer a unique perspective to this, because the whole saga makes me contemplate the Super Heroes’ Curse.  Huh? The what now? Well, have you seen the Will Smith movie - ‘Hancock’?  Or perhaps you’ve watched Pixar’s - ‘The Incredibles’?  The concept at the beginning of both movies is the same – the super heroes are criticized and even sued by the public for leaving a mess and damaging public property each time they rescue someone.  The super heroes become disillusioned and depressed with their own lives.  What the hell am I talking about?  My point is you were only trying to help by passing on your knowledge and experience.  Although there will always be people who criticize and cut down the tall poppies, I’m glad that you continue to do what you do.  You summed it up nicely on Saturday, November 12, 2011 when you said, “I rule. You don't.”  (I also like that you don’t take it all too seriously and your quirky sense of humour shines through at all times.  Hopefully you can hear in my tone and by my ‘super hero curse’ analogy and other absurd parallels that I am also talking somewhat tongue-in-cheek.)

I continued to read all of your articles as listed on dndkids.com and you continued to answer most of my questions. (I’m writing this next section to ‘think out loud’, and also to provide mutual confidence.)

How much gore and violence (if any) can or can’t be included?

One of my favourite movies from the late 80’s is ‘Parenthood’ with Steve Martin.  So many good lines – even from Keanu Reeves, “you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.”  Anyway, before I start quoting all my favourite lines, the scene that’s relevant for this topic is when Steve Martin’s character Gil Buchman has to dress as a cowboy for his son’s birthday party because ‘Cowboy Dan’, the hired balloon-animal clown, didn’t arrive: 

The kids aren’t fooled, “You´re Kevin´s father.  You´re not Cowboy Dan.”

“That´s right” says Gil in a southern drawl, “They call me Cowboy Gil...as in ‘guil-ty’.  I saw Cowboy Dan.  I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this, so l killed him.”  The kids look a little pleased so Gil continues, “I blew a hole in him this big.”  The kids don’t seem overly impressed so he embellishes, “Actually it was about this big.” Some applause.  “You know, when I think about it, that hole was about this big.”  The group, (mostly boys) cheer loudly and Kevin is delighted with his Dad. Gil continues, “And his guts were spilled out all over the floor.  As I was walkin´ away, I slip around on his guts.  A couple of other people came by and started slippin´ on his guts too.  After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts...afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals.”  Gil begins to twist balloons into a shape that resembles no living animal on earth, and the kids look disappointed – until Gil announces, “Your lower intestines!”  The kids laugh and shout and applaud.

The kids know that it’s all pretend.  They’re smart enough to separate fantasy from reality and they will never act out the fantasy in real life.  They don’t want to hurt anyone.

I like your universal solution of making the violence over the top or funny and very metaphorical; just like Gil Buchman did.  I shall honour your sixth commandment, “Thou Shalt Be Gory, Goofy, and Cool!” because I want my son and his friends to smile; just like Kevin did.  You’re right - it is a controversial position and I will certainly be mindful and respectful of parent’s wishes.  The last thing I want is traumatised kids.  If parents ask me to never mention blood, then I’ll call it ‘goo’ or ‘slime’ or ‘pus’; Nickelodeon-esque.  That reminds me, I downloaded some amazing poster-size maps created by a brilliant cartographer/Photoshop expert, and for every map that displays blood spatter, he has another version with luminescent green goo to accommodate and appease parents.

I assume girls will respond differently to boys.  So what can I expect and how do I cater? 

In my youngest sons’ early years, we offered him toys from both gender stereotypes. For example: cars, trains, tools and footballs were made available, but so too were dolls, perambulators and tea sets.  He always opted for the ‘boys toys’ and our friend’s daughter always opted for the ‘girls toys’.  It would not have been a problem if my son had chosen to play with the dolls, but he just didn’t want to.

My wife found it very interesting when you profiled that girls “like nature-based, ranged and quick classes, and value Dexterity more than any other ability.”  You said, “Girls I played with preferred short and stocky characters to lithe and elegant ones. Given free reign, most started the game as dwarves, mulls, halflings or simply short humans. I think the character statistically most likely to be attractive to girls is a female eladrin ranger. Describe her as a friend of nature and a protector of the forest, not as a hunter or avenger.”  Interesting because the two characters Tamara has developed, up to level 17, are a female Halfling Ranger and a female Gnome Bard. Furthermore, I personally think Tamara plays the game better than anyone else at the grownups table.

I don’t want to lose good players so I will do as you suggested and intervene a little at first. I think I will role-play the NPC’s to pay attention to the pets.  That might encourage the girls to respond imaginatively.  I’m also thinking maps and puzzle stimuli.  I love puzzles.

A few apologies:

If you have read this far, I apologise for keeping you away from your family and I thank you for your persistence. 

I apologise for mentioning “Wizards of the Coast” as that must leave a sour taste in your ears. ;-)  Seriously though, I can’t believe they have removed your articles.  I was looking for Mavet Rav because that article has a legendary reputation. 

I apologise on behalf of the rude people who say your classes looks like a jungle.  They mean to insult you, but I’m pleased you are complimented because I agree - a jungle is such a nicer place than a prison.  With that you remind me of Robin Williams as Professor John Keating in “Dead Poet’s Society.”  Carpe Diem.

I look forward to putting into practise all you have taught me.  I look forward to “resting safely, knowing that I served as a fine guide for a bunch of warlike young tourists making their first steps in a fantastic world we built together.”

Who am I?  I am a teacher.  I teach software at Sydney University.  Pleased to meet you,

Paul.

Sydney, Australia.

Clean the Class or Bite the Bullet

Today we had to move to a different class because our regular place was full of some substance one of the boys is allergic to. The class we moved to was a girl class (it's a religious school).
Girl: No! You can't move here, you'll foul up this place. Boys always do.
Me: I promise we won't do that. I'll personally make sure they behave.
Girl: Are you willing to face execution if the class is dirty?
Boy: Yes, yes we do. Now do let us in.
Girl: All right, but if we find the class dirty tomorrow, we will execute you.

Sex war just got real!

The All Too Bearable Lightness of Being

I’m running a game which uses Gamma World rules, but takes place on a colossal generation ship where each floor is occupied by a different culture. Now the players, following a string of unfortunate events which included persecution by fascist bunnies, a battle with a malfunctioning robot and a nasty encounter with a swarm of memory-erasing insects, have found themselves penniless, shirtless and questless.

Today, they explored yet another level, a medieval fantasy forest, and were given a quest by the elves – to reclaim a huge chunk of adamantine from an evil porker baron. The players soon arrived to the Baron’s town and found it poor and oppressed, but in working order.

Fascist bunnies. Scarier than they sound...

Since they were so poor that they actually started getting penalty to their rolls due to hunger, they decided to raise some money before their assault – one player found a job as a waiter in the tavern, two others improvised a show with flowers that blossom to music, and the other three went panhandling. Eventually, they managed to scrape enough silver pieces to rent a room and get a decent meal.

Then, they decided this life wasn’t that terrible. Like the youngest kid said, “We have warm food and a roof over our head – what else do we need?”

I asked sarcastically if they would like to marry and raise children as well. To which another kid replied, “can you do that?! It sounds like a great idea! What do I roll to marry?”

Sigh.

I’m not sure if I this session indicates my failure as a game designer, my success as game master, or both...

Of Vampires, Treason and Internal Decoration

One of my more enthusiastic players decided that he wanted to play a vampire this year. Now, since I didn’t have Heroes of the Shadow handy at the time, I told him that he’ll begin the game as a mortal and we’ll role-play his transformation when the book returns to me.

Today presented itself with a wonderful opportunity to make his vampirization memorable. The group is currently engaged in a mission to steal the home stone of an opposing city which they managed to infiltrate after the hero d'jour managed to get a hold of enemy uniform and impersonate a slain officer. The rest of the group posed as his prisoners, except for the shardmind, who posed as his bold choice of internal decoration.

After dark, he was to secretly release them, unwrap the shardmind and go on a commando mission to steal the home stone. He failed to take into account one thing. Namely, that I’m an ‘orrible bastard.

A few minutes shy of midnight, just as he was preparing to leave, there was a knock on his door and a pleasant young man came in and started talking with our hero. Soon, the player had realized that the young man was the son of a man who participated in a secret mission with the player’s current assumed persona. That officer was the only man to return alive... with the others’ equipment. Then came the inevitable question, “did you murder my father just for the money, or there were other reasons?”

Not so fun when you're on the receiving end...

Then came a bad Diplomacy roll.

Then came the young man’s seven brothers, daggers flashing in their hands, their knuckles white with cold rage.

Then came eight stabs by eight fighters who didn’t spare their daily powers.

Then came oblivion.

Half-dreaming, half-dying, the dying PC remembered being dragged by the brothers to an abandoned garbage dump where an open coffin awaited him. “Tell your excuses to earthworms and dust, traitor,” they said before they nailed the lid shut and earth started pouring on the coffin. This is not a situation one can escape... alive.

The rest of the group, meanwhile, waited and waited and waited until a most terrible realization downed on them – no one was going to release them. The plan had failed spectacularly and they were now truly stranded in a POW camp without weapons, allies or even precise knowledge of their location.

All hope now lies in the hand of an extremely bold choice of internal decoration gathering dust in a warehouse and a dead man whose black blood is now pumped by madness and hate as his claws his way from a cold, damp grave.

Welcome to the rest end of your life!

Table Talk: when Uri was young...

This is some table talk I'd been keeping since I was a kid myself.

***

Player: I use my Sense Motive skill to check if the scroll is lying.

Player 1 (explaining why she killed someone): He called me a whore! That's offensive!
Player 2: Unless you consider yourself a whore...

Player 1: I have things holier than you coming out of my butt!
Player 2: You're not the bringer of holy shit!
 
Player: I feel like in a very intelligent conversation between two Pokemons!

DM (ushering someone to play faster): Just roll the fucking die, you either hit the table or you don't!

Player (during a pitched combat against a mob of peasants): I try to intimidate them, defensively.

Player: I never presume to know more in anything than anyone.

Player (first session): I'm just a confused blond orc in the middle of the jungle.

NPC: Surrender! There is no point in surrendering. (he was LE...)

DM: Do you turn off the chainsaw?
Player: I never turn off the chainsaw!

Player: We stand in a circle and touch each other (preparing for teleportation)

Player 1 asking Player 2: You gain a level as a fighter or as a dwarf?

Player: How much damage do 40 rifles do? Never mind, the problem is the Concentration skill check... (last words)

DM: He is too high to be a Wild Elf and too wild to be a High Elf.

Player: I try to hide my Charisma and disappear into the crowd.

Talking about a new campaign, "the builders"
DM: You don't fight and you don't talk.
Player: What do we do?
DM: You make Skill checks.
Player: And we don't talk?
DM: What's there to talk about?

Player 1: So, you worship a potato?
NPC: No, a dead frog.
Player 2: It's the same, they're both under the ground and slowly grow...
Everyone looks at him, dumbfounded.

Player 2 (later on): Jesus is actually a walking walker!
More dumbfounded stares.


Group is talking with a potentially hostile NPC, Player 1 wants to attack him.
Player 2: In Parentheses, kill him after we talk, O.K?

NPC: So, you want to see my boss?
Player: Only his soul.

Player (out of the blue): It isn't fair, they are too strong.
DM: Who?
Player: Everyone!

Player (playing a dwarf cleric in pseudo-historic setting): Jesus was a dwarf!

Player 1 suitably rolls a 1
Player 2: You idiot! Why did you do it?!

NPC: My dungeon was designed to stop fools and weaklings.
Player (after passing through the dungeon):Well, it failed!
NPC (examining the PCs with disgust): I see...

Player (playing a Catholic priest): I kill and destroy in the name of Jesus.

Player: Wood... doesn't burn that well... (after being told his fireball set his village on fire)

Player: So, what's your name?
Elf NPC gets very nervous.
Player: O.K, no need for panic, where do you live?
Elf NPC kills himself.
Player: What? What did I say?!
Craziest DM ever!

NPC (flirting): Hi, where are you going to?
Player: HELL!
NPC: What are you looking for there?
Player: DEATH! Wanna come?

DM (to players preparing an ambush): So, what DO you do in the bushes?

Player (before a dangerous assault): Wait! Someone has to stay behind and guard the camp...

Player (describing encounter with the undead): They didn't actually eat my soul... more like licked it.

Gaming Boomer Style

Back when I just started collecting funny table talk, the infamous Boomer, author of the brain-numbingly awesome novel The Hole Behind Midnight was kind enough to share with me some of the choicest quotes from his Spelljammer campaign. The quotes are not by kids and are certainly not for kids, but they are very awesome nevertheless and I'm sure you'll like them!

Dave: Wait, your robot's name is 'Apple'?
Kyle: No, you just always call him 'apple'.
Dusty: He's a Warforged Juggernaut, his name is Apollorax, and he outranks you on this ship.
Dave: ...so you have a robot butler named Apple?

J.B.: Yeah, he died.
Chris: Trying to escape.
Dusty: Into SPACE?
J.B.: ... yeah. Made a run for it.
Chris: He didn't make it very far.

Mr. Hubris: Well, this is pleasant.
Kyle: For you, perhaps.
Mr. Hubris: ... I wasn't talking to you.
Dave: Fuck this, let's kill him.

Kyle: You two - seppuku contest! Right now! Your Emperor commands it!

Kyle: All right, that's it - I'm inviting this mother-fucker to DINNER.
Sam: Oh, Jesus. We need to TALK to him, not kill him.
Dave: You guys kill everyone you have dinner with?
Corey: Statistically, yes.

Davian Kash: RrrrraaaagghhhhaaaAAAA!
Corey: That's it, I'm out - I don't even need this job.

Dave: Run, you asshole!
Sam: No! I'm staying!
Dave: If you die too, who will avenge me?
Sam: How about Kyle?
Dave: No, fuck him. I want YOU to avenge me.

Dave: (gurgling blood) Remember...
Sam: God, that's creepy. I'm gonna wake up hearing that for months.
Corey: Yeah, I'm glad I'm not there. The last thing I need is nightmares of Sue's dying words.

Corey: So where's the captain?
Kyle: Probably negotiating the trade of our ship for magic beans.
Sam: Hope he gets enough for all of us.
Kyle: And once it's completed, where will you go?
Arrin: Why, wherever we please, of course.
Dave: (whispered) I want to kill this guy.
Kyle: (whispered) If you think you can do it in six seconds or less, be my guest.

Corey: (whispered) Give her the baby.
Jen: Oh, my Jesus-Fuck, you're a monster!
Corey: Come on. Give her the kid.
Kyle: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Corey: Pretend whatever you want - but you should give her the baby. It solves, like, eight different problems.

Flynt: We're not expecting you.
Dusty: That's funny - I wasn't expecting you.

All: Sue, NO!
Sam: Dammit, Sue, stand down! This is what he wants you to do!
Dave: Well, fuck him.

Graz'zt: I don't trust you. I hope the feeling is mutual.
Dusty: Oh, trust me, it is.

Dave: Demogorgon & the Abyssals - tonight only at the Civic Center!

Kyle: Wait, why are we doing this?
Dusty: Because I said so.
Corey: Great reasoning.
Dusty: Fine. Because I'm the captain, and I said so.

Gordon: Ello', Sue. You're just in time for dinner.

Dave: I'll just go heat this up, then.
Jen: Oh my God - he's the COOK!?!
Dusty: Yeah... but he fights like hell.

Kyle: I will bring peace to this system, so help me god, if I have to personally kill every Halfling on every world, one at a time.
Corey: I'm in.
Dusty: I think he was kidding.
Corey: I wasn't.
Kyle: Neither was I.
Sam: In that case, count me in, too.

Sam: To my knowledge, nothing like this has ever been tried before. Ever.
Dusty: Oh.
Sam: No, that's a good thing. I'm really excited about it.

Dusty: Don't tell Kyle that I said this, but if any of you find anything cool, take it.
Kyle: If any of you steal anything, I am fucking leaving you here.
Sam: Don't worry about me, man - I saw Aladdin. Touch nothing but the lamp.

Dusty: Well, I think we got out of that scott-free.
Corey: You're an idiot.
Dusty: I mean, you know, MOSTLY scott-free.
Kyle: Are you fucking insane?
Dusty: Fine. At least I got out of that scott-free.
Dave: Me too. Good job, Captain.
Dusty: Thank you, Sue.

Dave: (to Kyle) Tell me that he's not throwing loose change at the bard.
Dusty: I'm not.
Kyle: Because there ARE no bards. He's throwing coins at the Expert with ranks in Perform.
Dusty: I don't like his act.

Dave: There is no reason to be hostile. We need not be enemies.
Lady of Change: You struck me with your club.
Dave: Oh.
Kyle: She remembers. Kill her!

Child Dreamer: Boys are weird.
Dave: Yes they are.
Dusty: What's that supposed to mean?

Dusty: Wait... Arch-Cardinals aren't supposed to HAVE daughters!
Kyle: Oh, you figured that out NOW!
Dave: That guy was an Arch-Cardinal? Oh, this makes SO much more sense.
Kyle: Fucking god DAMMIT!

For more awesome quotes be sure to visit the Table Talk section, and if you have some fun quotes of your own, don't hesitate to share! :)

Some old funnies

I can't think of anything smart to say today. Instead I'll post some funny quotes from the time when I was a young (or not so young) boy playing at what could, with some effort, pass as D&D:

***

Player: Wood... doesn't burn that well... (after being told his fireball set his village on fire)

***

Player 1: I have things holier than you coming out of my butt!
Player 2: You're not the bringer of holy shit!

***

NPC: My dungeon was designed to stop fools and weaklings.
Player (after passing through the dungeon): Well, it failed!
NPC (examining the PCs with disgust): I can see that...

***

Player (playing a Catholic priest): I kill and destroy in the name of Jesus.

***

Player (describing encounter with the undead): They didn't actually eat my soul... more like licked it.

***

Player (before a dangerous assault): Wait! Someone has to stay behind and guard the camp...

***

NPC (flirting): Hi, where are you going to?
Player: HELL!
NPC: What are you looking for there?
Player: DEATH! Wanna come?

***

Player: So, what's your name?
Elf NPC gets very nervous.
Player: O.K, no need for panic, where do you live?
Elf NPC kills himself.
Player: What? What did I say?!
Craziest DM ever!

***

These quotes, along with hundreds of others can be found in the Table Talk section of this site. Have fun!