Gaming Boomer Style

Back when I just started collecting funny table talk, the infamous Boomer, author of the brain-numbingly awesome novel The Hole Behind Midnight was kind enough to share with me some of the choicest quotes from his Spelljammer campaign. The quotes are not by kids and are certainly not for kids, but they are very awesome nevertheless and I'm sure you'll like them!

Dave: Wait, your robot's name is 'Apple'?
Kyle: No, you just always call him 'apple'.
Dusty: He's a Warforged Juggernaut, his name is Apollorax, and he outranks you on this ship.
Dave: ...so you have a robot butler named Apple?

J.B.: Yeah, he died.
Chris: Trying to escape.
Dusty: Into SPACE?
J.B.: ... yeah. Made a run for it.
Chris: He didn't make it very far.

Mr. Hubris: Well, this is pleasant.
Kyle: For you, perhaps.
Mr. Hubris: ... I wasn't talking to you.
Dave: Fuck this, let's kill him.

Kyle: You two - seppuku contest! Right now! Your Emperor commands it!

Kyle: All right, that's it - I'm inviting this mother-fucker to DINNER.
Sam: Oh, Jesus. We need to TALK to him, not kill him.
Dave: You guys kill everyone you have dinner with?
Corey: Statistically, yes.

Davian Kash: RrrrraaaagghhhhaaaAAAA!
Corey: That's it, I'm out - I don't even need this job.

Dave: Run, you asshole!
Sam: No! I'm staying!
Dave: If you die too, who will avenge me?
Sam: How about Kyle?
Dave: No, fuck him. I want YOU to avenge me.

Dave: (gurgling blood) Remember...
Sam: God, that's creepy. I'm gonna wake up hearing that for months.
Corey: Yeah, I'm glad I'm not there. The last thing I need is nightmares of Sue's dying words.

Corey: So where's the captain?
Kyle: Probably negotiating the trade of our ship for magic beans.
Sam: Hope he gets enough for all of us.
Kyle: And once it's completed, where will you go?
Arrin: Why, wherever we please, of course.
Dave: (whispered) I want to kill this guy.
Kyle: (whispered) If you think you can do it in six seconds or less, be my guest.

Corey: (whispered) Give her the baby.
Jen: Oh, my Jesus-Fuck, you're a monster!
Corey: Come on. Give her the kid.
Kyle: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Corey: Pretend whatever you want - but you should give her the baby. It solves, like, eight different problems.

Flynt: We're not expecting you.
Dusty: That's funny - I wasn't expecting you.

All: Sue, NO!
Sam: Dammit, Sue, stand down! This is what he wants you to do!
Dave: Well, fuck him.

Graz'zt: I don't trust you. I hope the feeling is mutual.
Dusty: Oh, trust me, it is.

Dave: Demogorgon & the Abyssals - tonight only at the Civic Center!

Kyle: Wait, why are we doing this?
Dusty: Because I said so.
Corey: Great reasoning.
Dusty: Fine. Because I'm the captain, and I said so.

Gordon: Ello', Sue. You're just in time for dinner.

Dave: I'll just go heat this up, then.
Jen: Oh my God - he's the COOK!?!
Dusty: Yeah... but he fights like hell.

Kyle: I will bring peace to this system, so help me god, if I have to personally kill every Halfling on every world, one at a time.
Corey: I'm in.
Dusty: I think he was kidding.
Corey: I wasn't.
Kyle: Neither was I.
Sam: In that case, count me in, too.

Sam: To my knowledge, nothing like this has ever been tried before. Ever.
Dusty: Oh.
Sam: No, that's a good thing. I'm really excited about it.

Dusty: Don't tell Kyle that I said this, but if any of you find anything cool, take it.
Kyle: If any of you steal anything, I am fucking leaving you here.
Sam: Don't worry about me, man - I saw Aladdin. Touch nothing but the lamp.

Dusty: Well, I think we got out of that scott-free.
Corey: You're an idiot.
Dusty: I mean, you know, MOSTLY scott-free.
Kyle: Are you fucking insane?
Dusty: Fine. At least I got out of that scott-free.
Dave: Me too. Good job, Captain.
Dusty: Thank you, Sue.

Dave: (to Kyle) Tell me that he's not throwing loose change at the bard.
Dusty: I'm not.
Kyle: Because there ARE no bards. He's throwing coins at the Expert with ranks in Perform.
Dusty: I don't like his act.

Dave: There is no reason to be hostile. We need not be enemies.
Lady of Change: You struck me with your club.
Dave: Oh.
Kyle: She remembers. Kill her!

Child Dreamer: Boys are weird.
Dave: Yes they are.
Dusty: What's that supposed to mean?

Dusty: Wait... Arch-Cardinals aren't supposed to HAVE daughters!
Kyle: Oh, you figured that out NOW!
Dave: That guy was an Arch-Cardinal? Oh, this makes SO much more sense.
Kyle: Fucking god DAMMIT!

For more awesome quotes be sure to visit the Table Talk section, and if you have some fun quotes of your own, don't hesitate to share! :)

Some old funnies

I can't think of anything smart to say today. Instead I'll post some funny quotes from the time when I was a young (or not so young) boy playing at what could, with some effort, pass as D&D:

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Player: Wood... doesn't burn that well... (after being told his fireball set his village on fire)

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Player 1: I have things holier than you coming out of my butt!
Player 2: You're not the bringer of holy shit!

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NPC: My dungeon was designed to stop fools and weaklings.
Player (after passing through the dungeon): Well, it failed!
NPC (examining the PCs with disgust): I can see that...

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Player (playing a Catholic priest): I kill and destroy in the name of Jesus.

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Player (describing encounter with the undead): They didn't actually eat my soul... more like licked it.

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Player (before a dangerous assault): Wait! Someone has to stay behind and guard the camp...

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NPC (flirting): Hi, where are you going to?
Player: HELL!
NPC: What are you looking for there?
Player: DEATH! Wanna come?

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Player: So, what's your name?
Elf NPC gets very nervous.
Player: O.K, no need for panic, where do you live?
Elf NPC kills himself.
Player: What? What did I say?!
Craziest DM ever!

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These quotes, along with hundreds of others can be found in the Table Talk section of this site. Have fun!

Facebook Dreams #2

Last week I asked how to turn Facebook from a nightmare of spoilers and things no mortal should see into an awesome element of the game. Tonight I supply the answer. Read it carefully, for it is potent and likely to drive you insane.

Dream City
Lovecraft had the right idea. All dreamers go to the same realm when they're asleep, but some enter it like staggering idiots while others retain their faculties and can explore it just like any dungeon or mysterious continent. The PCs are hopefully dreamwalkers of the second sort.
The Facebook page is that city. In it adventurers from all over the land - from the hills of Modi'in to the forests of Shoham, from the sprawling city of Rishon to the rural charm of Be'er Tuviah - can meet and discuss their adventures. They can exchange information (page discussion), read news from around the world (wall posts), enjoy a hearty chat (FB chat) or a gallery of fine fantasy art (album) - but they can't fight. It's a dream, if you get too mad you just wake up, no harm done.
The last problem is trade. I mean, no one had ever gone to bed with a magic sword and woke up with it replaced by 5,000 gold coins. This is too outlandish even for a fantasy game.

Kids engaging in friendly barter, also known as "intimidate check."

Here the Dream Trading Company comes in with happy music and delightful smiles. These arcanes will gladly deliver goods and payments between interested parties in return for a small commission or a secret revealed. Should PCs threaten or harass them, they will just disappear in a puff of perfumed smoke, leaving the bully unable to dream-trade ever again.

So, what do you think of this solution. Do you see any possible problems with it? If you do, lemme know because the pilot begins in less than a month.

Moral Dilemma #2

If you haven't read part 1 do it now. Otherwise this post will make little sense to you.

A mighty argument erupts among the party. The majority wants to heal the raving beast, despite my repeated statements that this is simply impossible. They try this, they try that - all fails. They fail because they have to, because this is the stuff of tragedies, because life isn't always fun and flowers, occasionally you have to wake up and smell the carcass... but I digress.
A minority of two kids wants to kill the beast. One because he is a paladin sworn to protect those peasants and the other is simply mean. The mean kid is locked in the kitchen by the others. The paladin is closely watched.
The majority includes a radical minority as well - two brothers, a ranger and a druid. They care about the animal much more than about the peasants. As far they're concerned, a few hundred deaths are worth the survival of one rare monster. Hell, they'd gladly kill those peasants themselves to save an endangered animal. They'd gladly kill them just to see them eaten by crows and vultures.
So saving attempts go on, many PCs drop to 0 hp, the ship is about to crumble and the beast is still mad, lashing viciously against crew and vessel. Seems that the kids, in their youthful optimism, will keep on trying to save everyone until everyone is dead.

When facing a moral dilemma, consult the Good Book

Suddenly a round of cannon fire rocks the ship. A quite boy passed me a note, "I fire the canons in secret." The beast is dead and the class is dead silent.
One boy, on the brink of tears, says, "I did what you all knew had to be done but were too cowardly to do. Hate and scream if you want to. You can even kill me. You know I did the right thing."

Sometimes, there is no happy ending.

Facebook Dreams #1

Many of my students wanted to befriend me on Facebbok last year.

Now, my page is laden with profanities and death threats to random people, full of bad and, quite frankly, not that funny jokes and lists all my vulnerabilities. Worst, it contains spoilers to the kids' adventures. Worst still, it is written in a language they can't understand.

Instead, I created a new page just for the kids. It is written in a language that you can't understand... but google can. To my surprise, more often than not, the kids commented on pictures and posts in-character. Soon, the page became a buzzing market for rumors and information, something which I felt ambiguously about. On the one hand, it created an inter-city gaming community, enriched the games and encouraged creativity and self-expression (finally, a crowd that will listen and comment!). On the other hand it didn't make any sense inside the game world; how can a fighter hiding in a cellar in Menzoberranzan request directions from a vagabond sleeping on a bench in Urik, and why on earth does this vagabond have wikipedia...?

My boys created a map of their realm and were quick
to share it on the FB page with the cute caption, "join or die..."

By the end of the year, they wanted to trade items and even join forces to take on bigger monsters. Here, I just had to insist on the wall between the real world and fantasy world remaining intact. But this wall (pardon the pun) was already covered in graffiti on both sides and battered to the point of near collapse. Not to mention, I didn't care for this wall too much myself. But how to remove it, without removing the realism of the game with it?


This year, I think I found a solution!

Meet the Seven Tailed Sphere!

My first new article since my exile from Wizards is up. It's part of a new series that will feature creatures, classes, races, powers and eventually a whole setting created by my students during last year.

Some of them are pretty dark, but don't get alarmed. In fact, I don't think one should discourage children from using dark themes in their games because this is their way of mentally defusing them - better darkness on the paper than darkness in the soul.

And now, without further adieu - the infamous seven-tailed sphere!

Just one small request - the authors of these creatures may be reading your comments on Geekcentricity, so play nice :)

Moral Dilemma #1

There’s a sticky situation.

The group just got a hold of an airship of their very own. Of course, they are jubilant and take their massive new toy for a ride, looking for trouble (i.e XP). Trouble is soon found – a cloud ray the size of a football field is terrorizing the peasants. It rains lightning from above, setting huts and barns on fire. With its massive “wings,” it creates gusts that hurl men and beasts hundreds of feet every which way to splatter against rocks and trees. On the face of it, it looks like a simple combat encounter to be resolved with sword and spell.

BUT.

The group loves animals. It’s obsessed with collecting pets and killing poachers and dreams of having truly powerful animal companions one day (so far they only got crows, squirrels and puppies). A cloud ray is pretty sweet, right? Let’s try to befriend it.

BUT.

A series of Nature checks reveal that cloud rays are ordinarily peaceful creatures (perhaps this is why they’re such an endangered species). The reason this one behaves so violently is because it’s sick. The disease won’t kill it, but it will make it increasingly aggressive and unreasonable.

A cloud ray being unreasonable.
Art by Ben Wootten (from Dark Sun Creature Catalog)

Can it be healed? You need a proper veterinarian to answer this question. Do we have time? No, innocents are dying on the ground even as we speak. An argument about the moral course of action erupts.

How did it end? You’ll know soon enough.

For now, kind readers, tell me – what would you have done?