Gaming Boomer Style

Back when I just started collecting funny table talk, the infamous Boomer, author of the brain-numbingly awesome novel The Hole Behind Midnight was kind enough to share with me some of the choicest quotes from his Spelljammer campaign. The quotes are not by kids and are certainly not for kids, but they are very awesome nevertheless and I'm sure you'll like them!

Dave: Wait, your robot's name is 'Apple'?
Kyle: No, you just always call him 'apple'.
Dusty: He's a Warforged Juggernaut, his name is Apollorax, and he outranks you on this ship.
Dave: ...so you have a robot butler named Apple?

J.B.: Yeah, he died.
Chris: Trying to escape.
Dusty: Into SPACE?
J.B.: ... yeah. Made a run for it.
Chris: He didn't make it very far.

Mr. Hubris: Well, this is pleasant.
Kyle: For you, perhaps.
Mr. Hubris: ... I wasn't talking to you.
Dave: Fuck this, let's kill him.

Kyle: You two - seppuku contest! Right now! Your Emperor commands it!

Kyle: All right, that's it - I'm inviting this mother-fucker to DINNER.
Sam: Oh, Jesus. We need to TALK to him, not kill him.
Dave: You guys kill everyone you have dinner with?
Corey: Statistically, yes.

Davian Kash: RrrrraaaagghhhhaaaAAAA!
Corey: That's it, I'm out - I don't even need this job.

Dave: Run, you asshole!
Sam: No! I'm staying!
Dave: If you die too, who will avenge me?
Sam: How about Kyle?
Dave: No, fuck him. I want YOU to avenge me.

Dave: (gurgling blood) Remember...
Sam: God, that's creepy. I'm gonna wake up hearing that for months.
Corey: Yeah, I'm glad I'm not there. The last thing I need is nightmares of Sue's dying words.

Corey: So where's the captain?
Kyle: Probably negotiating the trade of our ship for magic beans.
Sam: Hope he gets enough for all of us.
Kyle: And once it's completed, where will you go?
Arrin: Why, wherever we please, of course.
Dave: (whispered) I want to kill this guy.
Kyle: (whispered) If you think you can do it in six seconds or less, be my guest.

Corey: (whispered) Give her the baby.
Jen: Oh, my Jesus-Fuck, you're a monster!
Corey: Come on. Give her the kid.
Kyle: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Corey: Pretend whatever you want - but you should give her the baby. It solves, like, eight different problems.

Flynt: We're not expecting you.
Dusty: That's funny - I wasn't expecting you.

All: Sue, NO!
Sam: Dammit, Sue, stand down! This is what he wants you to do!
Dave: Well, fuck him.

Graz'zt: I don't trust you. I hope the feeling is mutual.
Dusty: Oh, trust me, it is.

Dave: Demogorgon & the Abyssals - tonight only at the Civic Center!

Kyle: Wait, why are we doing this?
Dusty: Because I said so.
Corey: Great reasoning.
Dusty: Fine. Because I'm the captain, and I said so.

Gordon: Ello', Sue. You're just in time for dinner.

Dave: I'll just go heat this up, then.
Jen: Oh my God - he's the COOK!?!
Dusty: Yeah... but he fights like hell.

Kyle: I will bring peace to this system, so help me god, if I have to personally kill every Halfling on every world, one at a time.
Corey: I'm in.
Dusty: I think he was kidding.
Corey: I wasn't.
Kyle: Neither was I.
Sam: In that case, count me in, too.

Sam: To my knowledge, nothing like this has ever been tried before. Ever.
Dusty: Oh.
Sam: No, that's a good thing. I'm really excited about it.

Dusty: Don't tell Kyle that I said this, but if any of you find anything cool, take it.
Kyle: If any of you steal anything, I am fucking leaving you here.
Sam: Don't worry about me, man - I saw Aladdin. Touch nothing but the lamp.

Dusty: Well, I think we got out of that scott-free.
Corey: You're an idiot.
Dusty: I mean, you know, MOSTLY scott-free.
Kyle: Are you fucking insane?
Dusty: Fine. At least I got out of that scott-free.
Dave: Me too. Good job, Captain.
Dusty: Thank you, Sue.

Dave: (to Kyle) Tell me that he's not throwing loose change at the bard.
Dusty: I'm not.
Kyle: Because there ARE no bards. He's throwing coins at the Expert with ranks in Perform.
Dusty: I don't like his act.

Dave: There is no reason to be hostile. We need not be enemies.
Lady of Change: You struck me with your club.
Dave: Oh.
Kyle: She remembers. Kill her!

Child Dreamer: Boys are weird.
Dave: Yes they are.
Dusty: What's that supposed to mean?

Dusty: Wait... Arch-Cardinals aren't supposed to HAVE daughters!
Kyle: Oh, you figured that out NOW!
Dave: That guy was an Arch-Cardinal? Oh, this makes SO much more sense.
Kyle: Fucking god DAMMIT!

For more awesome quotes be sure to visit the Table Talk section, and if you have some fun quotes of your own, don't hesitate to share! :)