Table Talk: when Uri was young...

This is some table talk I'd been keeping since I was a kid myself.

***

Player: I use my Sense Motive skill to check if the scroll is lying.

Player 1 (explaining why she killed someone): He called me a whore! That's offensive!
Player 2: Unless you consider yourself a whore...

Player 1: I have things holier than you coming out of my butt!
Player 2: You're not the bringer of holy shit!
 
Player: I feel like in a very intelligent conversation between two Pokemons!

DM (ushering someone to play faster): Just roll the fucking die, you either hit the table or you don't!

Player (during a pitched combat against a mob of peasants): I try to intimidate them, defensively.

Player: I never presume to know more in anything than anyone.

Player (first session): I'm just a confused blond orc in the middle of the jungle.

NPC: Surrender! There is no point in surrendering. (he was LE...)

DM: Do you turn off the chainsaw?
Player: I never turn off the chainsaw!

Player: We stand in a circle and touch each other (preparing for teleportation)

Player 1 asking Player 2: You gain a level as a fighter or as a dwarf?

Player: How much damage do 40 rifles do? Never mind, the problem is the Concentration skill check... (last words)

DM: He is too high to be a Wild Elf and too wild to be a High Elf.

Player: I try to hide my Charisma and disappear into the crowd.

Talking about a new campaign, "the builders"
DM: You don't fight and you don't talk.
Player: What do we do?
DM: You make Skill checks.
Player: And we don't talk?
DM: What's there to talk about?

Player 1: So, you worship a potato?
NPC: No, a dead frog.
Player 2: It's the same, they're both under the ground and slowly grow...
Everyone looks at him, dumbfounded.

Player 2 (later on): Jesus is actually a walking walker!
More dumbfounded stares.


Group is talking with a potentially hostile NPC, Player 1 wants to attack him.
Player 2: In Parentheses, kill him after we talk, O.K?

NPC: So, you want to see my boss?
Player: Only his soul.

Player (out of the blue): It isn't fair, they are too strong.
DM: Who?
Player: Everyone!

Player (playing a dwarf cleric in pseudo-historic setting): Jesus was a dwarf!

Player 1 suitably rolls a 1
Player 2: You idiot! Why did you do it?!

NPC: My dungeon was designed to stop fools and weaklings.
Player (after passing through the dungeon):Well, it failed!
NPC (examining the PCs with disgust): I see...

Player (playing a Catholic priest): I kill and destroy in the name of Jesus.

Player: Wood... doesn't burn that well... (after being told his fireball set his village on fire)

Player: So, what's your name?
Elf NPC gets very nervous.
Player: O.K, no need for panic, where do you live?
Elf NPC kills himself.
Player: What? What did I say?!
Craziest DM ever!

NPC (flirting): Hi, where are you going to?
Player: HELL!
NPC: What are you looking for there?
Player: DEATH! Wanna come?

DM (to players preparing an ambush): So, what DO you do in the bushes?

Player (before a dangerous assault): Wait! Someone has to stay behind and guard the camp...

Player (describing encounter with the undead): They didn't actually eat my soul... more like licked it.