Table Talk

For those who missed it, there is a table talk section in this blog. In it I collect funny things said by players (young and old) during games. If you have any funnies you'd like to share, you know where to find me. For now, some old LOLz to warm the heart and uplift the spirit:

Concerned mother: My son said he likes LARPs because you get to really kill people...
Way to promote the hobby young gamers! :D

DM: Ravenloft is a world that sucks villains into it and creates special domains for them. There is a domain for Lord Soth, a Domain for Strahd, a--
Kid: Is there a domain for George Bush?

Kid goes away looking for treasure in the middle of a pitched battle.
Kid 1: What are you doing?! Stay here and fight!
Kid 2: I am fighting. Against greed. And losing...

Kid 1 walks into a room and sees a female githyanki cleaning her sword.
Kid 2: Don't be afraid of her, she's a girl; she can't be too strong.
Githyanki attacks him and deals an absurd amount of damage.
Kid 2: Errr... we'll tell everyone a male githyanki kicked your ass.

Kid 1: Oh cruel world!
Kid 2: The world is not cruel, it's the DM who is cruel.

We few, we happy few, we band of gamers.

DM: Your 21-hp back stab barely scratches the brooding warlock. "For this audacity," he speaks coldly as he stands from his throne, "I shall bestow you with the crown of madness!"
Kid 1: Yay! I'm getting a magic item!
Kid 2: You're getting a magic item in the same way getting a +5 arrow through the neck is getting a magic item.

Kid 1: This troll is too tough. I'm out of here.
Kid 2: Unless you want to run with my arrow in your head, you'll stay here and fight!
Kid 1: God! I hate lawful evil characters!

DM: In the alignment clause, you've written "to kill."
Kid: Yes, no alignment in the book was evil enough for me.

Kid 1 (playing a warforged): Why doesn't anybody love me!
Kid 2: Because you're running on Microsoft Vista. If you ran on Linux everybody would love you.

Kid: I stab him in the guts and twist the knife, with my other hand I gauge his--
Teacher walks in and looks stunned.
Kid (slightly embarrassed): It's, eh, a game of the imagination...

And some from the old timers...

Player 1: I have things holier than you coming out of my butt!
Player 2: You're not the bringer of holy shit!

Player 1 (explaining why she killed someone): He called me a whore! That's offensive!
Player 2: Unless you consider yourself a whore...

Player: How much damage do 40 rifles do? Never mind, the problem is the Concentration skill check... (last words)

NPC: My dungeon was designed to stop fools and weaklings.
Player (after passing through the dungeon): Well, it failed!
NPC (examining the PCs with disgust): I see...

Player: Wood... doesn't burn that well... (after being told his fireball set his village on fire)

Player 1: All right, that's it - I'm inviting this mother-fucker to DINNER.
Player 2: Oh, Jesus. We need to TALK to him, not kill him.
Player 3: You guys kill everyone you have dinner with?
Player 1: Statistically, yes.