Sunday, October 21, 2018

White Plume Mountain!

So, I felt like running a nostalgic game with my childhood friends (some of whom have children of their own by now...).

Here is how it went:

The Cast:

  • A druid with a knack for troubleshooting
  • A paladin who likes to sing... but really shouldn't
  • A cleric who makes Ned Flanders look mean
  • A monk bounty hunter with a personal grudge against Sir Bluto

Big toys for big boys...
White Plume report #1

  • Met a gnome witch in a hut near Gnometown and paid her a handsome sum to curse Sir Bluto the PedoKnight with impotence, penile bleeding and nightmares.
  • Befriended the Sphinx and promised to get her shampoo and cosmetics next time they meet, and find her a nicer dungeon to riddle after they are done with this one.
  • Passed the heat metal room by casting dispel magic. Boring but effective. Paladin learned an important lesson about metal underwear.
  • Used a pile of dead ghouls to fill in the pits in the frictionless room then skidded over to victory. The word "corpse" was uttered so many times in this conversation it was decided to say "resources" instead.
  • Solved the inverse ziggurat by dropping a miniaturized magic tower on it, ant-man style. Two manticores survived only to be hacked to death seconds later.
  • The oni guarding blackrazor saw this display of maniacal power and decided to parlay instead of fighting. In return for granting his safe passage and dispelling the spell compelling him to serve Karaptis, he told the PCs where he hid the sword.
  • The PCs decided the sword was too evil to return to the city. The cleric shifted to a random plane to throw away the evil sword. The plane happened to be third layer of hell. He got a thorough beating for his trouble, but did succeed in getting rid of the sword... by giving it to a random devil... victory?
  • Feeling they've had enough, the PCs decided to take a break and return to get the other items on the following day.
It's a very civil sort of sphinx...

White Plume report #2

  • Had morning tea and cake with the sphinx. Breakfast threatened to consume the whole day until a gentle but stern rebuke from the monk reminded the party they had a mission and that this mission wasn't throwing the best tea party ever. Finally free of the curse of the singing paladin, the gnomes thanked him profusely. 
  • poked all the way through the corridor until discovering green slime by poking it with a 10-foot pole, which subsequently became a 7-foot pole that smells funny. Passed over by freezing the water.
  • saw a dead elf in the globes room, decided to give it a pass because they were sent to retrieve magic weapons, not dead elves. Cleric quoted an obscure Tolkien quote to honor the dead elf.
  • ran into a group of math golems. Answered their riddle before the golem had time to finish speaking. In appreciation of the party's academic skills, one golem came along in the role of a clay bulldozer. Druid tried to make small talk with the walking statue. Failed.
  • monk saw a metal thingy in the corridor, asked golem to smash it.
  • reached the cavern of boiling mud and hanging chains. The paladin crossed first to form a rope bridge for his comrades. He nearly fell into the boiling mud, but fortune spared him.
  • vampire tried to charm the paladin as soon as the latter reached the far end of the cavern, only to discover that the paladin is immune to charming. Disappointed, the vampire simply pushed the paladin into the boiling mud. This time the paladin was less fortunate.
  • paladin was cooked to single digit hp but saved his life by using his shield as a surfing board and consuming every healing thing in his possession. With the help of his good friends and the moral support of his less good friends, he defeated the vampire and retrieved the magic talking hammer Whelm. Speaking with a thick German accent, the hammer stated that it's time to commence the final solution of the greenskin problem.
  • cleric prepared to throw the hammer into another plane just as he did with the evil talking sword Blackrazor, because apparently this is what clerics do now. Party stopped him. It was explained to him that not every item he finds needs to be thrown into a different dimension. Cleric found the concept puzzling and decided to consult the commentaries.
  • druid excused himself and made a quick foray into the vampire's lair to answer a call of nature. He noticed the vampire reformed inside a coffin so he did unto the vampire as the lord god commandeth before doing the original thing he planned to do in the lair.
  • armed with a magic talking hammer and a pale hot chick they found in the vampire's lair (and who is totally not a vampire), the party headed back to gnome town for some well deserved R&R.
  • Now rich on gold and gems, the PCs started creating jobs and opportunities for the local community. They hired another witch to curse Sir Bulto the Knight Pedophile some more, and payed young men to guard the tavern where the PCs sleep, and others to build a makeshift prison. Monk explained that this proves that trickle down economy works.
Okay, maybe not THAT giant...
White Plume Report #3

  • The next morning the party returned to the dungeon and went north until they reached the kelpie pool.
  • The paladin gave the kelpies the most terrifying speech ever after they failed to charm him. Following this, the kelpies reduced their hostilities to whining and nagging and so the room was traversed without casualties.
  • As the party started down the corridor, Bucket the evil fighter spotted the monk, starting a long exchange of PG-13 insults. Enraged, the monk set the corridor on fire, charged, slipped on the oil (just as the corridor began to revolve) and caught on fire. The invisible werewolf wizard joined the fray by throwing a fireball and setting the rest of the party on fire. The paladin charged, slipped on the oil and caught on fire as well.
  • The cleric sighed and used stone shape to arrest the revolving corridor. The druid sighed and summoned a pack of wolves to ravage the evil fighter. The wizard turned into a werewolf and attempted to command the wolves to stop eating her boyfriend. Sadly, the druid pointed out that the wolves aren't really wolves, but wolf-shaped spirits. Confused, the wolves/ wolf-shaped spirited decided to just go on eating the fighter. 
  • The cleric used remove curse to de-wolf the wizard on account of remove curse having no saving throw. Naked, embarrassed and with her hp in the single digits, she surrendered. Her boyfriend is nothing more than wolf burps at this point. Paladin starts lecturing her about the RICO act and how it applies to her situation.
  • Drained and cooked, the PCs decided to rest in the wizard and fighter's room. A soldier sent by Bulto arrives to discuss the knight's terms of surrender. Having suffered increasingly horrifying curses for a whole week, the evil knight desires to forsake all earthly wealth, convert to the one true faith, and live out the rest of his days as a humble monk. The party accepts. Monk refuses a duel with the knight on the grounds of duels being stupid.
  • The party proceeded to the final encounter with the huge, giant, ludicrously big, very huge crab. The druid sent in the bears. The crab sliced them to ribbons. The druid then sent in the wolves. They were cooked alive as the crab made a small tear in the force bubble. Horrified, the party retreated and used stone shape to bypass the seals as the bubble started to collapse (the cleric made many more holes in it, you see...) 
  • The doors bend under the pressure, but hold as millions of tons of boiling water shoot the crab and the last sentient item outside the mountain. The party leaves the dungeon, giving cakes to any surviving monsters they meet on the way. The cleric takes the magic talking trident Wave to Mount Celestia and hands it to a random angel because he's fucking insane like that.  
  • Armed with Whelm, two penitent prisoners, and one friendly sphinx (the kelpies decided to stay in their pool and the soldiers just went home to mommy), the party started on the journey home, discussing how RICO legislation applies to dungeon monsters and considering viable investment venues for their newfound wealth.

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